If In The Future
by Marauder
Summary: After 20 years of pain and longing, Sirius and Remus finally become lovers. Part of the If In The Series. AU since OOTP.
1. June 29

If In The Futureby Marauder

Note: If In The Future is part of the IfInThe series, which also includes If In the Beginning, If In the Past, If In the End, and the soon-to-be-written If In The Heavens. This is a slashfic. In case you don't know what that means, it means that I took two characters someone else created (J.K. Rowling, in this case), interpreted them as gay and in love, and wrote a story about it. If this bothers you, you shouldn't read it. This story is told from Remus Lupin's point of view through a series of diary entries and takes place the summer after Harry's fourth year.

Disclaimer: If you recognize a character from the Harry Potter books, they belong to J.K. Rowling. If you don't recognize them or recognize them from one of my other stories, they belong to me.

June 29

This letter arrived from Dumbledore at the beginning of the week when the moon was full.

Dear Remus, 

I have instructed Sirius to go to your house and hide there for a while. I realize that I am putting you in danger without your consent, and I apologize, but as you may or may not have heard, Voldemort has risen again. Sirius will tell you the details when he arrives. I also ask that the two of you contact "the old crowd". You know whom I mean and you know why I want them. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore

My first reaction was of course, oh, God. Voldemort has risen again. I hadn't heard about it…probably Fudge being difficult again, is my guess. I had to sit down for a while until I was able to breathe steadily again. Then I reread Dumbledore's letter. Oh, God, I thought. Sirius is coming _here_?

I haven't seen him in a year. He looked like a sort of spectre or apparition the last time I saw him – pale, wan, and with a face like skin stretched over a skeleton. I couldn't believe it was him. No, I had thought, this is not the same brave and witty boy I once knew who smiled charmingly and pulled elaborate pranks. This is an imposter, a charlatan, a fraud who has stolen Sirius's name. 

But then he spoke, and I recognized his voice. It was shaky and strained from disuse, but it was still the same voice that once told me it loved me. I realized that that boy was still within him – abused, frightened, and mostly hidden, but still there. But the boy no longer inhabited the body alone. Alongside him was another person, a vengeful and enraged man who had seen years of his life go by unlived and was powerless to stop it.

As much as I hate to admit it, I still love that boy. But the man is a stranger to me, one that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. Both of them are coming to live at my house for a while. With the three people that are me – the wolf, the boy, and the scarred and timid man.

What am I going to say to him? The last time we had any sort of a meaningful conversation, we were sixteen. The last time I saw him the way he used to be, we were twenty-one. How do two people in our situation make conversation? There isn't anything easeful we can talk about…every possible topic of conversation involves pain and misery. I don't want to talk to him. In the ideal world, I would kill the man, rescue the boy, and the boy in me would make love to him all night. But both of them are coming to my house, and I have to take either both or neither.

Of course, it's ridiculous to even _think_ that Sirius still has any feelings for me. He's probably not even gay, for God's sake. People go through phases when they're teenagers. Of course he isn't gay.

Soon there will be two bodies within this cottage, but five people will have to learn to live together.


	2. June 30

June 30

This morning, as I was drying the breakfast dishes, I heard a scraping on the door and a faint whining. Dropping the dishcloth in the sink, I hurried into the entryway and opened the door. 

A large black dog, almost the size of a bear, hobbled in and collapsed at my feet. One of his back paws was bleeding. I shut the door hastily and by the time it was closed Sirius lay on my floor.

He's less skinny than the last time I saw him, but not by much. He looks at least a decade older than the thirty-five I know him to be. His hair is matted and stale-smelling, and his teeth are yellowed. No one looking at him now could ever guess that he was once the most handsome boy at Hogwarts. "Remus," he gasped, "I – "

"Shh, it's all right, don't try to talk," I whispered. He grasped hold of me, his blue eyes intense and fierce. 

"Remus…there's something that I have to tell you…"

"I know, Dumbledore wrote to me. We have to contact the old crowd."

"No…something else I have to say…"

"You can tell me later. First we've got to bandage that foot of yours. How did it happen?"

"Piece of glass…"

"Here, put your arms around my neck." He raised one arm feebly, but I had to help him. His arms were skin and bone, but still surprisingly warm. I put his arms around my neck and clasped his hands together. Then I slid one of my arms under his knees. 

"All right, I'm going to carry you into my bedroom. Then I'll wash and wrap that foot."

"Remus, I…"

"Shh, it can wait."

"No it can't, I've waited decades…" My heart jumped. What was he trying to tell me?

"If you've waited decades, you can wait until you're stronger again. Now I'm going to carry you, all right?"

"All…all right."

Lifting him was like lifting a small child of ten, that's how much he weighs. I could feel his ribs pressing against my chest. Once we arrived in my bedroom, I laid him down on the bed. "I'm just going to go into the kitchen to get some things for your foot. I'll be right back."

"Moony, don't leave…"

The old nickname took me by surprise, causing my heart to pound furiously and my breath to come in short intakes. I sat down next to him and looked him right in the eye.

"It's all right, Padfoot. I'm just going a few rooms away. I'll be back within the minute. I'm coming right back, do you understand?"

His claw of a hand grasped mine. "O-Okay."

"Okay."

I left for the kitchen and got some cloth, a bowl of water, rubbing alcohol, and soap. Just in case, I also took a needle and thread. 

When I returned, his eyes were closed. They snapped open when he heard my footsteps. I sat on the edge of the bed and took his foot in my hand. The cut was filthy, with bits of dirt and pebbles stuck to it. It's about five centimeters long. 

As soon as I dipped his foot into the water, he shrieked. The sound sent shivers down my spine, for it was primal and like that of an animal, hardly recognizable as that of a man. 

"Sirius, it's all right! It's just going to sting for a bit. Grip onto something if you're going to scream again."

"I think I'm fine now."

"Okay."

As I washed his wound, he squinted at me. "You look different."

"I grew a goatee."

The ghost of a grin flashed across his face. "A werewolf with a goatee…that's got to be against the laws of nature or something." I rolled my eyes, and he actually laughed. I breathed a sigh of relief, glad to see him acting more normal again. 

"Where are we?"

"This is my bedroom. As soon as you're better, we'll move you upstairs to the other one."

He opened his mouth to speak, but than closed it again. By the time I was done with his foot (fifteen stitches) he was asleep. I pulled the blanket over him, and he gave a little sigh in his sleep.

That was around ten o'clock. Now it's about seven in the evening and he's still asleep. I think I'll sleep on the couch in the next room tonight in case he needs me.


	3. July 1

July 1

Sirius woke up this morning completely coherent and also ravenously hungry. I awakened to his mouth right next to my ear.

"Remus," he whispered loudly. I jumped about a foot in the air.

"Good God, Sirius, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"

"Sorry, but I've been saying your name for the last five minutes and you weren't moving."

I looked up at him. "Wait a minute, you shouldn't be walking around on that foot!"

"I did a spell on it this morning with your wand. It's healed now." He put his foot up on the arm of the couch and sure enough, all that remained was a faint scar. I nodded, impressed. 

"Hate to be bothering you," he said, "but I haven't eaten in three days and – "

"You're not bothering me!" I said. "Come on, let's go get you breakfast."

Inside the kitchen, he looked around in the refrigerator. "Have you got any sausages?"

"No, I'm a vegetarian."

"Since when?!" he asked, looking very surprised.

"Since the Wolfsbane Potion was invented four years ago. It decreases my desire for meat."

The Wolfsbane Potion was one of the biggest miracles in my life. With it, I felt like I could actually lead a normal existence. Along with meat, I gave up alcohol (except butterbeer, one of my weaknesses), cutting myself, and sex with people I didn't love. Seeing as the only one I ever really loved was Sirius, that meant I gave up sex entirely. The potion made me feel like a full human being for the first time since I was three years old.

"I'm surprised," he said. "I remember that time you ate the five rare steaks in a row."

"You remember _that_?"

"Yeah, does that amaze you?"

"Well, it happened when we were fourteen."

"I remember everything about us, Remus."

A feeling of dread stole over my stomach. 

"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice full of concern. "You look really pale."

"No, I'm fine. Hey, you want any scrambled eggs with blueberry jam?"

A small, content smile came over his face. "You remembered," he said softly. "I haven't eaten that since we were about eighteen. You remembered."

"You used to have the house-elfs make it for you…"

"…and then they were _thrilled_ because of the extra work…"

"…but the rest of us thought it was the most disgusting thing ever…"

"…James used to make vomiting noises…"

"…and Lily would…" But I stopped. 

He reached over and took my hand. His other hand lifted up my chin and made me look him in the eye. My breath was shaky and shallow, my heart was pounding like mad. "It's all right," he said. "We don't have to talk about them if it'll make you upset, Remus."

I opened my mouth and before I could think, out came, "Sirius, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

He stood up. "Come on," he said, the hand that still held mine helping me up. "Let's go into the living room."

I felt like I was drifting through a dream. Everything began to seem unreal…the carpet, which I've had for five years, suddenly looked strange to me, and the lights seemed overly bright. He was still holding my hand. We sat down together on the couch.

"Remus," he said softly, gazing directly into my eyes, "I have never stopped loving you. I've been attracted to you since the day I met you and I've loved you since we were fifteen and it hasn't stopped. It isn't going to stop. I don't want it to stop. You were one of the things that kept me sane in Azkaban, I thought about you every day. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to be your lover and I never want to leave you. If you don't feel the same way, then, well, there isn't anything I can do about it, and I'll still want to be your friend, but please know that I'm always going to love you regardless of how you feel about me. I know that a lot of horrible things have happened to both of us and that we aren't the same people we once were, and I'm not asking that you try and change. Remus, could we…could we pick up where we left off with each other and give it another try? I came so close to losing you forever."

I didn't speak for at least ten seconds digesting his words, not quite able to believe that this was really happening. Then I said, "It's going to be hard."

"I know."

"Sirius…I don't feel like I really know you anymore. That night in the Shrieking Shack, the night when I found out you were innocent…I hardly recognized you. You were so bitter, so angry, and obviously you have every right to be, but I could barely tell you were the same person. The only reason I believed it was really you was because of your voice. The voice of a boy I loved. A boy I still love. But you aren't that boy anymore."

"Part of me is," he whispered. "I'm not asking you to devote yourself to me right away. I'm asking you to give me a chance…a chance to show you the person I am now. And that's much more than vindictive and enraged. Give me a chance to show you the man who loves you. The man under this." He traced the lines of his skeletal face.

"S-Sirius," I whispered, my voice shaky and barely audible, "all sorts of terrible things have happened to me."

His arms slid around me and held me tight. His head rested on my shoulder, and I realized he was crying. I was too.

"Sirius, I-I've slept with a lot of people. I used to drink so much that I was almost an alcoholic. I'm messed up, Sirius, and…" But then I was sobbing, gasping, horrible wretched noises escaping my mouth. 

"I love you anyway," he murmured, holding me as tight as he could. "I love you no matter what you've done. Remember the night in our sixth year I saved your life?"

I nodded, still crying and feeling horribly embarrassed about it. 

"We're bonded for life, Moony. That's a powerful thing. Whether we're lovers or not, there is always going to be that connection between us."

I nodded. He pulled away from me a little and began to dry my face with the sleeve of his robe. I closed my eyes, unable to look at him.

"You don't have to be ashamed," he whispered. I opened my eyes and held him close again.

"I love you, Sirius," I said. "I want to give you another chance." 

He pulled away from me and the next thing I knew we were kissing, his hand on my shoulder and my tongue in his mouth. We both had terrible morning breath but I didn't care, because this was what I had wanted for longer than I could remember. He was both gentle and passionate, his mouth sucking on my tongue and allowing it to explore the depths of his throat. One hand slid around to my backside and gripped.

I pulled away slowly, letting him know that I wasn't upset. "Sirius?"

"What is it?"

"You're going to have to go slowly with me. I haven't had sex in years. This is going to take some getting used to."

"I've never slept with anyone."

I looked up startled. "You've never – "

"No. I'm a virgin."

"Oh, come on," I started to say, but then I looked into his eyes and realized he was telling the truth.

"It's not that I didn't have my options," he said, " but it was never right. For one thing, everyone who wanted to sleep with me was female."

"You're gay, then?"

He rolled his eyes. "Remus, I just finished telling you how much I love you. What do you _think_?"

"Well, you could be bisexual."

"You're right, I could. But I'm not."

"I'm not either."

"I know."

And then we kissed again, longer and more passionately. We could still be doing it, except that Sirius's stomach started rumbling. "Come on," he said, grinning, "let's go get breakfast."

~~*~~

After breakfast, I had to go into work. The Tellery Magical Library is not my ideal place of employment, but it could be much worse. My main problem is that I want to stop sorting books and start reading them.

"Remus, are you all right?" asked Calliope Ecritus, the head librarian, after the sixth time I was caught staring off into space.

"Fine, Calliope, fine."

"You seem a little distracted."

"I'm all right."

"Your sleeve is dragging in your inkwell."

"Oh, so it is. Thanks very much."

The staff there regards me as quite strange but relatively harmless. They still don't know that I'm a werewolf. Every month I call in sick the morning before I transform and tell them some new disease that I'm suffering from. So far I've had influenza, German measles, mumps, a migraine, pneumonia, a sore throat, pink eye, and a mild case of mononucleosis…and those are only the ones I can remember. I almost told them I had malaria once, but then I remembered you can only get it in the tropics.

When I arrived home for supper, Sirius had made me stir-fried vegetables. I smiled as I sat down next to him. 

"I've been quite busy all day," he said, smiling. "Notice anything different about my mouth?" He smiled wider.

"Your teeth are white again!"

"Yeah, they were getting pretty disgusting. That's what happens when you eat rats."

I shuddered. "How did you manage to do it?"

"I imagined that every single one was Peter."

Surprising even myself, I laughed. "Come on," he said, "eat fast. I want to show you the biggest surprise. It's in your bedroom."

"Our bedroom," I said, taking his hand.

"I thought that you weren't ready for sex yet."

"I'm not. But you can still share my bed until I am."

"I'd love that," he said solemnly. Then his mood changed. "Come on, eat up!"

Inside my – sorry, _our_ – room, he led me to the wardrobe and thew it open. I gasped in delight.

All of my old and patched robes were gone, replaced by new, thick, beautiful ones in burgundy and emerald and navy blue. 

"Sirius…how did you…"

"Oh, they're still the old ones," he said. "They're Transfigured. The spell is fairly obsolete…I found it in some book you had upstairs."

I threw my arms around him and kissed him. "I like this goatee," he said, when I had pulled away. "The way it tickles is very sexy."

That night, when we got into bed, I realized that I was happier than I'd been in a long time. "Is this really happening?" I whispered.

He kissed me. "Yes."

And then he curled up next to me and we fell asleep.


	4. July 2

July 2

This morning when I woke up, I could feel Sirius's warm breath on my neck and his shoulder under my arm. He was still asleep and I watched him for a while. When he sleeps, it's like nothing has changed from when we were teenagers; his even breathing is the same and so is the way his body rises and falls. I know the look of him sleeping so well, even after all this time.

His eyelids fluttered open. "Hello."

"Hello." I leaned in and kissed him. "Today's Sunday. I don't have to go into work."

"Great."

"You know, I don't even feel like getting out of this bed all day. I just want to stay here with you."

"So, what's stopping you?"

"Nothing."

He rested his head on my chest and I began to stroke his hair. However, this romantic gesture was interrupted by a rather annoying clump of snarls.

"You know what? I'm going to cut your hair."

"I'd like that."

"Not too much, just enough to get some of these knots out. Here, you go wait in the bathroom while I go and get a pair of scissors."

When I returned, I washed his hair over the sink, letting my fingers massage his scalp for longer than was necessary. A small, contented smile played on his face. However, the smile vanished when my comb began to attack the snarls.

"What are you trying to do, rip my scalp off?!"

"Sorry, but I'm trying to cut as little as possible. If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt so much." I tugged again with the comb.

"OWWW!"

"Sorry, I'm trying to be gentle."

"I know you are. But it still hurts!"

When I could no longer work out any knots, we went back into the bedroom and I began to cut his hair. When I was done, it fell to the bottom of his shoulder blades. I handed him the mirror.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"Very fetching."

"Really?"

"No, Sirius, I'm lying to you. Stop fishing for compliments, you know it's gorgeous. Your hair is always gorgeous."

"So is yours."

"No it isn't, it's going gray."

"Stop fishing for compliments," he teased, his eyes alive and sparkling.

"Oh, shut up," I teased back.

"Make me."

"I will," I said, pressing my mouth against his. We kissed for a while longer, until he pulled away. 

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can always ask me anything you want."

"When you said you'd slept with a lot of people…about how many is that?"

I sighed and lay back on the bed. "Are you sure you want to know that?"

"Yes."

"You're going to think I'm a slut."

He pressed one hand over my mouth, hard, and looked me right in the eye. "I never want to hear that again, do you understand me?" he whispered intensely. "You are _not_ a slut. You're my Moony and I love you." His hand moved away again.

I was silent for a while. Then I said, with a heavy sigh, "Twenty-eight."

He took my hand.

"It was stupid, I know, so don't tell me."

His hand squeezed mine.

"I was…I was confused. You were gone and I was desperately looking for someone, anyone, to fill that space. I'm just lucky I didn't end up catching anything."

"Yes, you are. Very lucky."

We lay in silence for a while. Then he said, "Did you love any of them?"

"Well… there was one man I had some very strong feelings for. It was very passionate between us. You don't mind me telling you this, do you?"

"No, it's all right."

"I think I loved him, but I don't think I was _in_ love with him." Pause. "I'm in love with you."

"I know." He slid on top of me and traced my face with one fingertip. "It doesn't matter what happened before, all right? That's over with now. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed."

"I love you," I whispered.

He kissed me and this time it was different then it had been before. Our mouths moved as if we were trying to devour each other and I could feel his erection pressing against my inner thigh. I moaned and slid one had up under his robe, moving past his waist and up towards his chest. Once I reached my destination, I began to caress his nipple. He groaned and kissed me harder, one hand stroking my neck. 

"That feels so good," I murmured.

Unfortunately, at that moment, Albus Dumbledore's head appeared in my fireplace.

"AHHHHH!" Sirius and I screamed in unison. Dumbledore blushed.

"Er, if this is a bad time…"

"No, that's all right," said Sirius, climbing off of me. "As long as you're here now, you might as well say what you wanted to say."

"First of all, Minerva owes me ten Galleons."

"What?"

"We've had a bet going for quite some time now about whether you two would end up together. I win."

Sirius and I looked at each other, gaped, and looked back at Dumbledore. "You had a BET?"

"Yes, we did. Since a few days after your Sorting."

"After the SORTING?"

"Yes, the Sorting Hat and I had a little chat. He's quite the matchmaker, that hat is."

From there, the conversation moved to the old crowd and our plans. In case this journal should ever be discovered, I will not record what we said.

Sirius and Dumbledore had to fill me in on all the events that had happened since I left Hogwarts. Cedric Diggory is dead.

Cedric Diggory. I can't believe it. He was always one of my favorite students: kind, courteous, helpful towards others. The day that I resigned, Cedric came to give me his best wishes shortly before Harry arrived in my office to say goodbye. It was a gesture that few people would have thought of, and I have always remembered it. He was the kind of student that I expected great things from, and I had always felt assured that he would be successful in whatever career he chose to pursue. And now he's dead.

Death has always played an important role in my life but each new death never fails to come as a shock. 

When Dumbledore had left, Sirius and I lay in bed together for a while longer, not speaking. His eyes were closed tight, as if he was trying to block out everything. Then he said, "We should have killed Peter when we had the chance."

"What?"

"If we had, Cedric would be alive and Voldemort would still be a miserable failed wretch. You've got to admit, it's nothing short of what he deserves."

"That's not up to us to decide, Sirius."

"What in the hell are you talking about? He killed James and Lily, Remus! He killed an innocent boy who did nothing but be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Without him, Voldemort could be _dead_ by now! Are you honestly trying to tell me you think he deserves _mercy_?" 

The furious man I had met in the Shrieking Shack had returned, and it frightened me. Sirius's eyes reflected nothing but pure hatred and violence. I jumped out of bed, startled. 

"What are you doing?"

"You're not my Sirius," I said, my hands shaking. "You're scaring me."

He opened his mouth as if to roar at me but then shut it again. "You're right," he said, his voice trembling. "I don't know what's the matter with me." He turned away from me and curled up in a fetal position.

I came back over to the bed and sat next to him. "It's all right," I said softly, caressing his shoulder. "I know what it's like to feel so much rage. But you can't give into hatred, love. Voldemort operates with hatred, and you can't fight fire with fire."

He bit his lip and nodded. "It's not only Peter I'm angry at," he said. "It's myself. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think, 'Why did I convince then to make Peter the Secret-Keeper?' There isn't one day where I don't wish that I could go back in time and –"

"But you can't," I said firmly. "You can't, and there's no good in wishing for something that can't happen. If I could go back in time I'd do many things differently, but I don't dwell on it because it can't happen. We all make mistakes, Padfoot. But it's an even bigger mistake not to learn from them." I paused. "Now, all this philosophical talk is making me hungry. Let's go get something to eat."

~~*~~

After lunch, we went upstairs to the attic because I wanted to find him some extra robes he could wear. As I was digging through a box, he examined a series of photographs that I kept on an old bureau. 

"Hey, look at this one," he said. 

I recognized the picture immediately, for I myself had taken it. It was a picture of Sirius and Harry, taken about two weeks after Harry had been born. The little Harry in the photograph appeared to be wailing at the top of his lungs, and the photo-Sirius was wincing.

"Noisiest baby I ever saw," I said. "Remember how we had a party for Lily and James when he finally started sleeping through the night?"

Sirius nodded, smiling. 

"I think they'd want us to remember them," I said abruptly. "I don't think they'd want us to get sad every time we mentioned their names."

"I think you're right. They never wanted anyone to suffer. You know, James was always after to me to tell you how I felt."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Used to drive me mad, he did."

I smiled and picked up the next picture.

It was one of my grandfather, taken about two years before he died. In the picture, he was snoring. "Jean Lupin," I said. "That's where I got my middle name from."

"I didn't know your middle name was Jean."

"Well, it is. My father moved from France to Britain when he was little boy."

"My middle name was almost Orion, but then my parents realized my initials would be S.O.B."

I laughed. "Your parents and those astronomy names."

"Yeah, naming kids Polaris and Sirius…you know, I haven't heard a thing about my brother Polaris in years."

"I have," I said. "He lives in Wales last I heard."

"You heard about him?!" he exclaimed. "Do you know anything more?"

"Well, the last time I saw him was shortly after you escaped. The Daily Prophet had us both brought down to their offices, but we refused to give them any comments…let me think. He's not married, I remember that. I think he mentioned something about sharing a house with a friend of his. Lysis or something."

"Lyrio?!" Sirius yelped. "Was it Lyrio Sapphirius?"

"You know, I think it was. I take it you knew him?"

"Yes, I did. In fact, he was the first man I ever fancied. Gorgeous chap, he was."

"You're making me jealous," I said with a smile on my face.

"You would have thought he was handsome too, I guarantee it. Remus…does Polaris think I'm guilty?"

I thought. "I don't know for sure, but I don't think he does. I have a feeling that's why he wouldn't comment to the press."

"I'd like to see him again. Lyrio too."

"We'll see if we can arrange it," I said.


	5. July 3

July 3

We spent the rest of yesterday taking down all the pictures from the attic and hanging them around the house. I hadn't realized how many there were; they cover the entire stairway and part of the parlor. Sirius had me leave an empty space on the wall of the stairway. "I want a picture of the two of us there," he said. "Maybe Polaris can take one if he visits."

I wrote to Polaris last night, asking him to meet me in Diagon Alley on July 9 when I don't have to work. I was dying to tell him more, of course, but there's always the chance of the letter being intercepted. Hopefully I'll get a reply by the ninth…all of the Tellery Post owls are quite old and a bit senile.

Sirius is going to spend the time while I'm at the library working on some things Dumbledore wants him to do. I can't write what they are in case this journal is ever discovered, which is unfortunate because I really feel the need to unburden everything onto this paper.

I did a bit of shopping for Sirius after work…he's been wearing my robes and using all my things. He gave me a list before I left.

"Let's see," I read, "robes…boots, size ten…quills…earring?! You haven't got your ear pierced."

"No, but could you do it for me? I've always wanted my ear pierced."

I eyed his earlobes. "Right or left?"

"Right."

"It'll be cute."

"Thanks."

We then had a bit of an argument because he wanted me to pay for the things on the list with money from his Gringott's vault and I insisted on paying for them myself. "Look, I'm not _that_ impoverished," I insisted.

"I know, love, but I want to pay for it. Buy yourself a few things too."

"Sirius, I couldn't…"

"What, you can share my bed but you can't share my money? For God's sake, Remus, let someone else take care of you for a change. I want to do that for you."

His eyes were so pleading and puppydog-like that I finally gave in at the end. "Spend all you want," he said before I left.

I didn't, not wanting to draw too much attention to myself, but I did buy myself some new robes and a new suitcase. Oh, and a few bars of chocolate.

Picking out earrings for Sirius was fun. I got him five – a sliver hoop, a gold hoop, a gold stud, a little Aries sign (his birthday is in April) and a tiny garnet. I pierced his ear after dinner with a Puncturing Charm and the silver hoop. 

"I like it," I said, as he examined it in the mirror. 

Already he's beginning to look more like his old self. The hair and the teeth made a huge difference, and he's been eating so much that it shouldn't be long before he's at a normal weight again. It's good to see him like that. Reassuring.

Afterwards he was in an amorous mood and we snogged between the sheets for a while, but then I had to stop. "I'm sorry," I whispered, "just…not yet."

He kissed my temple lightly. "Okay."

There's no point in denying it; I'm scared to sleep with him. Sex is easy. Any idiot can have sex: moan, thrust, sweat, groan, climax, sleep. It's simple. But I don't want it to be just about sex with him, I want it to be about _us, _about us and our love. I've never had that with anyone, and part of me is afraid of giving him everything and then losing him. Oh, I know he wouldn't leave me, but something else – Voldemort, Azkaban – could steal him away and I would be powerless to stop them. 

I just looked over at the picture of James and Lily that we put on the table next to the couch. If they were here right now, they'd remind me that life is fleetingly short and that I shouldn't be afraid to cherish every single moment. Of course, they would be right. But I think I need to deal with some of my fear first, because when we do make love, I want it to be good in every way for both of us, and I don't think I can do that right now. 


	6. July 4

July 4

Sirius and I went for a walk by the river this morning…with him as a dog, of course, anything else would be too risky. It was extremely hot today and so we ended up going swimming, with me in long robes and everything. Underwater he transformed back for a second and kissed me.

When we got back he let me have the shower first and politely waited outside. He's being so patient I can hardly believe it.

Calliope cornered me at work today "All right, I don't usually pry into employee's personal lives, but I just _can't_ take the suspense anymore. You've been floating around in a daze all morning. What _is _it?"

I just smiled.

When I came home for dinner, Sirius had made chocolate cake. "I didn't know you could bake," I said, surprised. 

"Yeah, I taught myself when I was a kid. It was just me and my parents at home, no house-elfs to cater to my every whim." He grinned. "So if I wanted anything beyond three meals a day, I had to fix it myself."

Looking at the cake, a memory came rushing into my head from some long-forgotten place. Once when we were fifth-years, we had been eating chocolate cake in the Hogwarts kitchen together – just the two of us, no James or Peter. I'd had a bit of frosting on my mouth and he'd reached over to brush it away. I'd panicked at his touch, knowing that in another second of physical contact I would have grabbed him from across the table and kissed him. Now there we were again, and I seized my chance to do what I should have done twenty years ago.

After dinner we decided to play chess. Sirius borrowed my extra set of pieces who, it turned out, didn't trust him at all.

"Who in the hell is _that_?" asked the white king, jabbing one chipped thumb in Sirius's direction. The pieces were already irritated at me because I haven't played chess since a late-night game with Minerva McGonagall when I was still teaching at Hogwarts. "He's even skinner than you are."

"That's Sirius," I said, "and be polite."

"Wait a minute!" shouted the black queen, "he's the bloke who killed all those people!"

"No he is NOT," I said firmly. "Now will you all behave yourselves and let us play this game?"

"I'm not being ordered about by any murderer, thank you very much," said one of the black pawns, sitting down on the board and giving Sirius a particularly stubborn glare. "He'll probably blow us up if we don't do as he says!"

"I'm not getting blown up!" said another black pawn, taking a seat beside the first. I picked both of them up by their arms, despite yelps of protest.

"You listen to me," I said. "He is NOT a murderer. No one is getting blown up, but a few uncooperative chess pieces could find themselves back in their box for another few years if they continue to disobey. Come on, lads, you're just going to have to get used to him, because he's not leaving."

"Ohhhhh," said the white knight, "I think I'm beginning to understand what's going on here." He winked at the bishop, who gave him a knowing nod.

"What are they talking about?" asked the first black pawn.

"Dunno," whispered the other in response.

"Remus fancies him, you prat," said the black bishop.

"And I completely understand why, he's quite fetching," said the white queen, smiling seductively. 

"No he's not, he's a murderer!" roared the black queen.

"Oh, shut your mouth, no one's listening to you anyway," said the black king. 

"ALL OF YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!" I yelled. They complied instantly. "Now. We are going to play chess. And either you are going to be quiet on your own or I'm using a silencing charm. Understood?"

"Oh, all right then," grumbled the white king.

The black pieces got used to Sirius in time, though the queen took it personally when he had to sacrifice her. "I say, Remus," asked one of the white pawns at the end of the game (which Sirius won). "whatever happened to that fellow Jonathan?"

"Think hard, idiot," said the white queen. "He's gone and Sirius is here. Figure it out." I swept them all off the board and back into their box. Then I looked over at Sirius.

"And Jonathan is?" he asked, his voice betraying no emotion.

"Jonathan _was_ the man I lived with for ten months about five years ago," I said. 

It's funny, I haven't thought about Jonathan for months. I met him at work back when I was still an Auror – handsome, witty, and genuinely kind, I thought that if anyone could help me forget Sirius, it was he. He was the first man I'd dated who didn't pressure me for sex by the third date. In fact, he was one of the first men I'd actually dated, as opposed to met in a bar and gone home with. 

Jonathan was a good person; there's no denying that. But he wasn't right for me. For example, he'd take off without telling me where he was going during the full moon. The fact that I'm a werewolf was never something he was completely comfortable with. And there were times where it seemed that all we had in common was sex…which, I'll admit, was very satisfying on a physical level. He just wasn't right for me…for one thing, he'd lived too much of a charmed life. I believe I may have been the first truly damaged person he let himself get close to. Yes, he was an Auror, but that was his career, his chance to be a hero. It wasn't personal like it was for me. I'd try to talk about what I was feeling sometimes and he'd always listen, but I could tell he didn't really understand. 

I loved him. I loved his sense of humor and his willingness to try and help, even though he wasn't at all comfortable everything about me. I loved his ability to make me feel desirable and the way he'd do little things to make me feel better after we had an argument. I loved how he kept trying. But I think I always knew that things weren't going to work out between us.

When the Wolfsbane Potion was discovered, it was the sign I needed that it was time to leave him. I didn't need him to make me feel normal anymore. When I told him I wanted to break up, he was disappointed, but I could tell it was neither a shock nor a trauma. He simply packed his things, got an apartment in Hogsmeade, said goodbye, and left. All of this I told to Sirius.

"I'm glad he was kind to you," he said when I had finished. "I'm glad you were happy, at least for a while, with him."

"I don't know if it was really _happiness_," I said. "It was more just…safety. Something that made me feel like a normal person."

"You _are_ a normal person," he said, taking my hand and looking into my eyes. "Stop thinking that you're so different from everyone else. Anything that makes you different isn't really that important."

"Sirius, I'm a werewolf."

"And I'm a convicted murderer. Those are things that happened _to _us, Moony, they aren't who we _are_. Not unless we let them be."

As the words left his mouth, I could tell he was convincing not only me but himself. And I loved him for it.


	7. July 5

July 5

The library isn't open on Wednesdays or Thursdays, so I've got two days to spend at home with Sirius. He's still got to work on things-that-must-not-be-named, although that only takes up about half of the day.

Still, he's under a lot of stress. He got up this morning at three A.M. (insomnia), sat down to work, and didn't stop until after lunch.

"I'm worried about you, love," I said when he finally set down his quill for the day. "You should try to rest as much as possible whenever you aren't working. After all, you still haven't got your health back completely."

"I'm so tense, Reme," he said faintly, brushing the hair out of his eyes. "And I've got a splitting headache."

I gestured to the couch. "Here, lay down and I'll rub your back."

His back reminded me of a tree root, hard and knotted. It took almost half an hour before it felt anywhere close to normal.

"I'm so _worried_," he said as I kneaded his shoulders. "I hate having to stay in the house and not being able to _do_ something."

"And what would you do, hunt down Voldemort? You're doing what you can right now. That's all anyone can ask."

"I feel like it's not enough,"

"Come on, Sirius, quit being so hard on yourself. You've already done so much in just a few days. I'm proud of you."

He turned his head and looked up at me. "Thank you, darling. That means a lot to me." I gave his back a final massage and kissed him on the forehead. 

He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. "I think I'm going back to bed."

"I'll go with you," I said. "I could use a nap."

When we were back in our bedroom, he changed into his night things in front of me, which he's never done before. As he raised his arms to take off his robe, I could see his ribs. They were still prominent, but they don't look like they're going to pop out of his skin, the way they did when he first arrived. He's still very thin, but all that chocolate cake is starting to take effect.

Luckily I was still wearing my pajamas from the night before. I _never_ let anyone see me naked. _Ever_. Even in the days where I could get drunk almost every day and lose my inhibitions, I still never took off my clothes with anyone. Whenever Jonathan and I had sex, I'd always leave my shirt on and keep the lower half of my body covered with the sheets.

Sirius got into bed next to me and rested his head on my chest. "I love listening to your heartbeat," he said softly, entwining his fingers with mine. "It's so steady and predictable. That's comforting to me."

I let my fingers slide through his hair and to his face, which is now more gaunt than skeletal. The tips caressed his eyelids and traced the lines of his long eyelashes, which are like strokes from a calligraphy brush against his pale skin. He sighed a smile sigh of contentment.

"I love you, Sirius," I said. "Remember how you said when you first came here that you weren't asking me to devote myself to you? Well, I want to. You're like my air. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He opened his eyes. "You'd go on, Remus. You're strong enough to carry on."

I lifted his head off my chest and kissed him softly. His lips thrust gently against mine and I found myself gasping from the small and tender ecstasy of it all. Everything was soft and sweet and wet and glorious.

When he finally pulled away, leaving me breathless and almost painfully aroused, he had that look in his eye that let me know he was going to ask me an important question. "Look, Moony," he said, "I know you aren't ready to make love with me yet, and that's perfectly all right. But I've been wondering…what sort of things do you like? I want to know so it'll be as pleasurable as possible for you."

Before I realized it, tears began to form in my eyes. "Oh God, Reme, I'm sorry," he said, sitting up in a hurry. "Look, whatever it was I said – "

"No, no, it's all right," I said, wiping my eyes quickly. "It's just…you're the first person who's ever asked me that. You're the first person who's actually cared about how it is for _me_."

He leaned over and kissed away a stray tear that had slid down onto my cheek. "Don't worry, I'm all right," I said. "I'm too bloody emotional sometimes."

"No you aren't," he said firmly. Then it was silent for a few moments.

"I'm a very oral person," I said at last. "I think people's mouths are one of the most erotic parts about them."

He took my hand. "Go on."

"Let's see…my neck is really sensitive. If someone touches my neck, it sends all these incredible shivers down my spine. I like taking things slowly; I feel more satisfied if it takes longer. Oh, and I like having my inner thigh stroked. And behind my testicles. Am I blushing?"

"Yes."

"Oh God."

"Don't worry, it makes you look post-coital."

"Shut up, you prat."

"Oh, so I'm a prat now?"

"Yes. But I love you anyway."

"Good." He paused and became solemn again.

"What about anally?"

"It's all good for me," I said. "Top, bottom, penetrater, penetrated."

"Me too. Well, the thought of it is."

"Yeah, what about you? I want to hear what I can do for you."

"My chest is _extremely_ sensitive," he said. "Especially my nipples. And I love people using their teeth gently. Which leads me to another question…if we make love, I can't become a werewolf, can I?"

"No. The only way you can become a werewolf is if I'm a wolf and you're a man and I bite you."

"Good, that's what I thought."

We stared at each other for about a minute. "Are you as aroused as I am right now?" he asked.

"Yes."

We stared at each other for another few seconds. Then something inside of me snapped. "To hell with fear," I said, and straddled him.

His hands moved passionately over my chest and then under the waistband of my pajama trousers. His mouth sucked hungrily on my neck. I moaned and slid my hands under his shirt.

Unfortunately, at that moment, Mundungus Fletcher's head appeared in my fireplace. This time we screamed even louder.

"Ah, I see Arabella owes me fifteen Galleons," he said. Sirius and I gaped at each other in disbelief. 

"How many people have bets on us?" he asked in shock.

"Just those that know you well."

By the time Mundungus had left (things-that-must-not-be-named), it was getting late and Sirius was more interested in sleep than anything else. "Tomorrow?" he asked as his eyelids began to drop.

"Yes."


	8. July 6

July 6

When I woke up today, the first thing I realized was that bright sunlight was streaming through the window. The next thing I realized was that it was two o'clock in the afternoon. The third thing I realized was that there were two men sitting side by side on the bedroom floor with identical grins. One was short and fair-skinned, with short hair and a broad face. The other was tall and dark-skinned, gracefully thin and starting to go gray.

"Hello," said the tall and dark-skinned one. "You must be Remus."

"You must be Lyrio," I said.

"None other."

"So," said Polaris, smiling broadly. He looked over at Sirius (who was still asleep), then back at me, raising a mischievous eyebrow. I raised mine in return. Lyrio laughed.

"I like him already," he said to Polaris. "Now, we'd better get Sirius up."

Polaris walked over to Sirius's side of the bed and shook him gently. "Come on, kid, wake up. You're got company."

Sirius muttered a few choice obscenities and pulled the pillow over his head. I pulled it back off. "Come on, love, wake up."

Sirius opened his eyes and gasped. "Polaris!" He threw his arms around his brother and grasped him tightly. It was almost a minute before he noticed the other guest. "Lyrio! Oh my God! I can't believe this!"

"Neither can I," said Lyrio softly. "Now, I suppose we'd better explain what we're doing here three days early."

"I was wondering about that," I said. 

"Dumbledore Apparated into our apartment last night and told us he's going to need the two of you at Hogwarts on the ninth," he said. "He mentioned that you'd be at home today, so we decided we couldn't wait much longer to see you."

"He also told us you're…together," said Polaris, a little shyly.

"Congratulations," said Lyrio. "Remus, you're a very lucky man."

"I know," I said, smiling at Sirius, who smiled back.

"Lyrio's boyfriend is moving in next month," said Polaris. "That's also when I'm moving out."

"Look, I _told_ you you didn't need to leave…"

"I know, but you're going to want to be alone with him. Besides, I need a change of pace. I just found out my transfer request at work got accepted this morning," he said to Sirius. "I'm going to be working at the British Wizarding Embassy in France."

"Hey, congratulations!" exclaimed Sirius. "I'm jealous…France is such a beautiful country."

"It is," I said, remembering when I was young and used to visit my father's family there during the holidays. 

"I've got an idea," said Lyrio. "How about you two get out of bed and get dressed while we make you lunch."

Lunch was fantastic…very light and fluffy omlettes and pumpkin juice. After we ate I showed them around the house a bit and then we sat down in the parlor to catch up on everything that had been happening. 

Lyrio's lover is named Oberon Winter. They've been together for two years. Oberon works with Lyrio at Obscurus Books, where they're both editors. And (this really surprised me) Oberon is also a werewolf. Luckily for him, he got bitten only three years ago and has never been without the Wolfsbane Potion.

Polaris worked, until recently, as a translator at the Department of International Magical Cooperation. He'll be doing the same thing in Paris. 

It was about seven in the evening when they decided to go, leaving us with some of Sirius's books and other things from when he was younger, five bars of chocolate ("Sirius says you love it so much it borders on obsession," Lyrio said), and a promise to come and see us again soon. 

"Sirius," said Polaris, just before they were about to Disapparate, "I want you to know that I always believed you were innocent. Always."

Sirius grasped his hand. "Thank you for that."

"Goodbye, Sirius," said Lyrio warmly, and Disapparated. 

"I'll come back and see you very soon," said Polaris. "Oh, and there's something that belongs to you in the yard." With a twinkle in his eye, he Disapparated. 

Sirius and I looked at each other. "Well, let's go see!" he said. He transformed into a dog and we went outside. 

Next to my front steps, looking like a dark animal in the twilight, was a motorcycle. Sirius barked excitedly.

"Oh, go on, change back, there aren't any neighbors for a few miles and they're mostly Muggles anyway," I said. 

Sirius's face as he looked at his motorcycle was one of pure joy. "It looks just like it did when I left it," he said blissfully. "They've kept it in excellent condition."

"I remember when you first got that thing," I said. "It was a couple of weeks before graduation. We were all in the dormitory studying for the last exams we would ever take, when James looked up and said, 'Hey, where's Sirius?' And then we heard this terrible racket from outside. I raced over and threw open the window and there you were, sitting on that thing and grinning madly. 'Come on, then,' you said, 'I'll take you for a ride.'"

"But you had to go and study for those blasted N.E.W.T.s," said Sirius. "I took James instead." He looked over at the motorcycle and smiled. "It's got a full tank."

The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the motorcycle behind Sirius, my arms encircling his waist. He flipped the Invisibility Switch and the built-in Silencing Charm and revved up the engine. "Ready?" he said.

"Yes."

Within a minute, we were high over Tellery, flying through the clouds. It was a pleasant night with a slight breeze, and Sirius's hair blew in my face. I leaned close and inhaled, tasting the sweet scent of him. The stars shone brightly and I felt like I could reach out and touch one if I wanted to. 

Sirius flew higher, skimming the bottom of a cloud. I held him tighter, a little afraid to be up so high, but he turned his head around and gave me a reassuring smile. I smiled back. We flew on, grazing the tops of the birch trees and feeling the wind in our hair. The moon was luminous and for once I looked at it and saw its beauty rather than its power. I tilted my head back and let the breeze tickle my throat, feeling exhilarated and daring and bold and reckless.

Too soon we were landing in the yard again. As I climbed off, I looked at Sirius and one look told me he felt the same way I did.

Before I knew it, we were back inside, practically running for the bedroom. When we reached it, I lay down first and pulled him on top of me. He kissed me, long and sweet, and I knew that tonight there was no going back.

His mouth moved from my face to my neck, kissing it with an open and wet mouth. I sighed and closed my eyes, placing my hands on the front of his robe and undoing the fastenings.

"Yesss…" he moaned, his breathing heavy and gasping. I took the robe off and than began to unbutton the shirt he was wearing under it. 

"Remus," he groaned as I slid the shirt off of him and began to caress his bare chest. I kissed him again, our lips undulating together, unable to get enough of the intense pleasure we were feeling. My hands moved down to his waist and took off his trousers.

Now he was naked, lying on top of me and caressing my neck with one hand and my backside with the other. Then he moved his hands to the front of my robe and began to unbutton it.

"Wait a minute," I said.

"What is it?"

"I've just got to warn you…my entire body is covered with scars. It's not a pretty sight."

"I don't care," he said, kissing me. "I love you, Remus, I love everything about you."

I let him ease my robe off of my body and take off my shirt. His fingers slid over my scars – the one on my arm from where I first cut myself, the slash marks on my chest, the mark on my shoulder from where I received the bite. He looked at me and kissed me again, tenderly. Then he undressed me the rest of the way and we were naked together.

We took a second to look at each other. His body is long and white, with no hair on his chest and only some very thin hair on his legs. His pubic hair is black and curly and his penis is shorter than mine but thicker. 

In contrast, my skin is marred by scars and covered with hair. I've never understood how my body could attract anyone. But he ran his hands over me, sending shivers down my spine and causing my erection to grow even larger.

His hands ran down the length of my body until they settled on my pelvic bones. Then, with a look of determination, his head followed his hands and stopped an inch away from my penis. He looked up at me, his eyes asking the question. I nodded.

He went slowly at first, sucking on the head and stroking behind my testicles. I closed my eyes, letting my mind go wonderfully and blissfully blank. His mouth was soft and wet, and his head thrust back and forth, engulfing all of me.

A fresh wave of pleasure washed over me. "Sirius," I gasped, "I'm – " And with one final thrust of his head, I climaxed, and the ecstasy was complete.

He was still very aroused. "Here, lie down," I said. He did. I sucked on his nipples and then let my mouth move downwards – over his heartbeat, on his stomach, between his legs. He moaned as I took him into my mouth.

His orgasm came faster than mine, throbbing and intense. He said my name as he climaxed, his voice between a shriek and a moan.

When it was over we clung to each other, sweaty and tired, but fully satisfied. "I love you," he whispered before we fell asleep. 

"I love you too."

As I felt his body relax in my arms, I realized that I was no longer afraid of love. 


	9. July 7

July 7

"Reme, time to wake up."

"Mmmm."

"Come on, you have to go to work."

I opened my eyes. Sirius was leaning over me, smiling (and still naked). "Come on, darling, you have to get out of bed."

"I don't want to get out of bed ever again," I said. "I want to stay here with you for the rest of my life."

He kissed my forehead. "Yes, but unfortunately you can't. Come on, I'll make breakfast."

I sat up. "Did last night really happen?"

"Yes."

"It seems like an incredibly good but surreal dream."

"Well, it wasn't."

"You," I said, "are a fantastic lover." He blushed. "No, I mean it. That was the best it's ever been for me."

He took my hand and I glanced at the clock. "Padfoot! You woke me up two hours early!"

"I did not! Don't you have to be at work by eight o'clock?"

"On Fridays we don't open until ten."

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"Hmm, I wonder what we could do with an extra two hours," I said, trying to suppress a grin.

"I haven't the slightest idea," he said, getting back into bed. I climbed on top of him and he spread his legs, wrapping them around mine. I lightly bit at his chest as he ran his hands up and down my neck and back. He raised my head to his and kissed me passionately, his legs rubbing against mine. 

"I want you to be inside of me," he whispered, his breath hot and erotic in my ear. 

"One moment," I said, sliding off of him and taking my wand off the nightstand. "_Lubrio_."

"I didn't know there was a lubricating spell."

"Yeah, I found it in the Restricted Section at Hogwarts."

We looked at each other for a minute. "I'll try to go slowly," I said. "Just tell me if it hurts and I'll stop, all right?"

"Now I'm nervous."

"Don't be. Just relax." I climbed on top of him again and he moaned, his eyes half open and his lips slightly parted. 

I stroked his ever-growing erection and he gasped, pulling me closer towards him. "Please," he whispered, and guided my penis to where we wanted it.

I entered him very slowly, but then he groaned and thrust so that I was completely inside of him. He gripped my backside and pulled me in as far as he could, one finger inside of me. I gasped and bit his throat, causing him to shriek with pleasure. I thrust faster, going as deep as I could, and then we were both sweating, moaning, gasping, and climaxing together, relishing every moment of rapture.

Afterwards it took both of us a few minutes to catch out breath. "That was – " he gasped, "that was – I can't even describe how good that was."

"I know," I breathed, and he lay his head down on my chest. "Did I hurt you at all? It got a little intense."

"It felt a sort of…different at first, but no, it didn't hurt. Not at all."

I took the sheet and gently wiped off his stomach. He took my hand when I had finished. "Now," he said, "what about breakfast?"

I showered while he made scrambled eggs, and he used the shower after me. When he came out his hair was glistening with water, and he was wearing one of my bathrobes. I couldn't stop staring. "You are so incredibly sexy."

"So are you."

"No I'm not."

"Damn it, Remus, will you stop thinking that?" he said, and I was surprised at the anger and passion in his voice. "You are so completely beautiful. I've always thought so, even when I first met you. And I'm so frustrated that you can't see it.

"Here," he said, handing me some pieces of parchment tied together with string. "I want you to read these at work if you have a chance."

"What are they?"

"You'll see."

The second I got a break, I read the papers. And I started to cry.

They were letters, letters Sirius had written to me when he was in Azkaban. The oldest one was from the first day of his imprisonment and the last was written moments before he escaped. In them was it all – his pain, his anguish, his love, his soul. He had never stopped thinking of me. At the bottom was a note. "Remus," it read, "last night I saw your scars and your beauty. Here is mine. Sirius."

I Apparated home instead of walking the second the library closed. Sirius was in the parlor at his desk. "Sirius –" I gasped, and started to cry again.

He slowly stood up, walked over, and held me as we both cried together.

Author's Note: Sirius's letters can be read in If In The Past.


	10. July 8

July 8

An owl from Dumbledore arrived very early this morning. He wants us to come to Hogwarts tomorrow, as Lyrio and Polaris said. "The school is in need of some particularly strong protection spells," he wrote, "and, as you two have expert knowledge of the hidden rooms and crevices of Hogwarts, I could think of no one better. The map is in my office; I'll give it back to Harry when he arrives at the start of the term."

"That reminds me, I haven't written to Harry yet," said Sirius when he read it. "I should have done that when I first got here; I hope he isn't too worried." He took a quill and parchment from the dresser top and started to write as I got dressed.

"Are you going to tell him about us?" I asked as his quill scratched. 

He set it down and looked up at me. "Of course I am," he said. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, I don't know…"

"Look, Remus," he said. "I'm not hiding anymore. I'm not hiding who I am or what I feel about you. I may have done that before but life is too damn short. If, in the future, anyone asks about us, I'm telling them the truth.

"But I'm not saying too much in this letter," he added. "I'm not even mentioning that I'm here, I'm just saying that I arrived safely. But I will tell him. He deserves to know the truth and we deserve to tell it to him."

At work I researched protection spells whenever Calliope and the rest of the staff weren't around. They've never been one of my specialties. 

It really is unfortunate that Tellery only has five magical families, because the library is huge. It also has one of three known copies of _The History of Hecate_ and an extensive section on alchemy, including Nicolas Flamel's notebooks. (His wife was born in Tellery and they maintained a small vacation cottage here.) Before Voldemort, Tellery had one of the biggest populations of wizarding families in Britain, but after he came to power those who weren't killed, fled. 

The chairs are worn and so is the carpet, from the wear and tear of hundreds of wizards. Someone had written notes in the margins of one of the books I was reading, and I wondered if they were still alive. 

"Sirius," I asked him, over dinner, "how likely do you think it is that Voldemort will be defeated?"

"If I knew that, darling, I'd be a much greater wizard than I am. I doubt even Dumbledore knows that."

"I wish something was happening," I said, spooning more corn onto my plate. "I can't stand the tension of waiting to see what Voldemort is going to do."

He took my hand. "I know exactly how you feel."

After dinner we went directly to bed, as we have to get up very early tomorrow. "Don't worry so much," he said, stroking my neck. "Whatever happens is going to happen whether you worry about it or not. You might as well just enjoy whatever time you have on this earth."

I kissed his cheek. "I know, I know…You know, Sirius, you're right, you have changed. But it's a change for the better. You're a lot more contemplative and less impulsive than you used to be."

He smiled and then we kissed, his lips sweet and soft. "Speaking of enjoying your time on earth," I said. 

He pulled me closer and began to suck on my neck. It never ceases to amaze me how much even a little thing like that can make me gasp with delight. I gently pushed him over so he was lying on his back and straddled him, my hips pressing hard against his. My hands ran over his chest and unbuttoned his shirt as fast as they could without ripping it. Then I pressed my hands against his nipples.

"Remus," he moaned, "that's…yes…harder…ohhh…" His head fell back onto the pillow and he closed his eyes, his breathing heavy and labored. 

I stopped for a minute and took off my clothes, then the rest of his. He thrust his hips against mine, and then pulled back, leaving me ravenous for more. My mouth moved over to his unpierced earlobe and nipped at it. 

I pulled him inside of me and rocked back and forth, my lips slightly parted from the sheer and utter bliss of it all. He lightly ran one hand over my penis.

"Harder," I gasped. "Deeper…" He thrust twice more and then climaxed, leaving me still aroused.

Within a second, he had me lying down on the bed and was sucking on me, two fingers in my anus. He bit at the head and with that I came, a small scream escaping my mouth.

Afterwards we lay with our arms around each other, drenched in sweat. He rested his head on my heartbeat and I stroked his hair until he fell asleep.


	11. July 9

July 9

At about five in the morning, we arrived at Hogwarts by Floo powder. Dumbledore met us in the Grest Hall.

"The protection spells on the school have not been performed in about a year," he said, handing me the Marauder's Map and a list of passwords, "and I expect that their potency has faded somewhat. All entrances to the school should be protected especially. Sirius, I have something for you."

He handed Sirius an oblong package wrapped in brown paper and tied with red string. Sirius opened it – it was a new wand. 

"Fifteen inches, birch, dragon heartstrings," said Dumbledore. "I tried to get it as close to your old wand as possible, but I believe you'll find that this one has a bit more power."

"Thank you, sir," said Sirius, examining the wand.

"And now I'll leave you two to your work…it should take most of the day. If you need me I'll be in my study." He turned and left, his azure cloak trailing behind him.

The second the door closed behind him, we heard a cackling from overhead. "Criminals in the school," said a taunting voice. We looked up and saw Peeves sitting on the chandelier. "Ought to tell the Ministry, I should…maybe you've cast a spell on Dumbledore into thinking you're innocent…ought to tell, for everyone's own good…"

"Shut up, Peeves," Sirius yawned.

"And werewolves too…that could make a bit of a scandal…"

"Oh, leave them alone, Peeves," said another voice from behind us. We turned around to see the Fat Friar floating above the Hufflepuff table. "Do you want me to get the Bloody Baron?"

Peeves turned even more pale than his typical ghostly shade. "Just having a bit of fun, Friar…no need to disturb His Bloodiness…I'll be off now…" And he exited out the window, cursing under his breath.

"Thanks," I said to the Friar.

"You're welcome. You two were always some of my favorite students in your time, even if you were Gryffindors."

"Why Dumbledore lets that thing stay is beyond me," said Sirius.

"Well, you know how he is, always wanted to give second chances. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be off…we're celebrating the Grey Lady's deathday today."

Putting protection spells on a school the size of Hogwarts is more grueling work than you'd think. Every little crevice has to be perfectly safe. It took us an hour to complete the Great Hall.

After that we did more work on the first floor. After finishing Professor Binns's classroom, there was only one room left. Sirius groaned.

"What?"

"We've got to do Moaning Myrtle's bathroom."

"Come on, she isn't so bad."

"Remember when she had one of her crying fits over the Map? It took us a week to repair it."

"And then she started crying _again _when you told her off…"

Hesitantly, we entered the bathroom. Myrtle was sitting on one of the sinks, looking gloomy. "Hello, you two," she said. "Come to yell at me again?"

"Hello Myrtle," I said. "Why aren't you at the Grey Lady's deathday party?"

Myrtle let out a terrible wail and buried her head in her arms. Sirius and I glanced at each other nervously. 

"I actually _was_ invited, surprisingly," she sobbed, "but then Peeves convinced her I shouldn't be allowed to come."

"And why is that?" asked Sirius gently.

"Because at the Fat Friar's deathday party last winter, I made a lot of the guests so uncomfortable with all my wailing that they left early. It wasn't my _fault_…the Bloody Baron said some _horrible_ things to me…and now you've come to yell at me again!"

"No we haven't," I said, "we've come to put protection spells on the school. Come on, Myrtle, it's all right, stop crying."

"Darling, asking her to stop crying is like asking Snape to wash his hair," said Sirius. "We can all hope, but it'll never happen."

Myrtle had looked up at the word "darling". "You two…you wouldn't happen to be…lovers, would you?"

"Yes, actually, we are," said Sirius.

Myrtle actually smiled. "Nearly Headless Nick owes me twenty Galleons…excuse me…" And she practically skipped out of the bathroom.

~~*~~

After the first floor was finished, we decided to do the House towers next and then break for lunch. Gryffindor was first. Unfortunately, the Fat Lady screamed at the sight of Sirius.

"It's all right, he's not going to hurt you!" I said.

"No, I'm not," said Sirius. "I'm terribly sorry that I had to threaten you before, but you wouldn't let me in, and it was urgent…"

"So you decided to traumatize me for life?!"

A head popped into the picture from the left side of the frame. "It's all right, he's here on Dumbledore's orders!" said the head, which belonged to a young woman.

"Are you sure, Violet?"

"Yes, I'm sure, it's all right, you can trust him."

"I've got the password this time too," said Sirius. "_Aslan._"

Reluctantly, the Fat Lady let us in.

The Gryffindor common room is surprisingly unchanged. They got new carpeting (ours was gold and now it's red) and some new banners, but the couch where I snogged with Amoria Wist is still there, as is the table the Marauders and Lily claimed as theirs. I walked over to it slowly and looked on the top. "JP+LE" read the graffiti. "Snape is a tosser." "Montrose Magpies Rule" "No they don't, Sirius, Puddlemere United does." "Shut up James" "Lucius Malfoy waxes his eyebrows." 

Sirius came up from behind me and read over my shoulder. "I'm going to do something I've wanted to do for years," he said. He took a knife out of his pocket and carved "RL+SB" next to the "JP+LE".

After we had performed all the necessary spells on the Common Room, we headed up to the dormitories. "Hey, here's our old one," said Sirius of the door that read "Fifth Years" on it.

"This is Harry's now too," I said, noting the sign. Hesitantly, I opened the door. 

The wardrobes are new and there's one additional bed, but it's almost as unchanged as the common room. The beds are the same, and the window still looks like it does that day where Sirius hovered outside of it on the flying motorcycle. 

I walked over to my old bed by the window and sat down on it. The familiar feel of it made me feel like I was a boy again for a moment. "I wonder who's got this bed now," I thought out loud.

"Neville Longbottom," said Sirius, pointing to a small "Neville" carved into the headboard. 

From the Chudley Cannons pennant above Sirius's old bed, we could tell that it now belonged to Ron Weasley. Peter's bed is now Dean Thomas's, and Harry has the bed that used to belong to James. "We'll have to tell him that," I said. Seamus Finnigan has the new bed.

Sirius flopped down on his old bed. "God, this brings back so many memories," he said. "Do you remember our first night here, when your bed broke and you shared with me?"

"Yes," I said, lying down next to him and placing my head on his heartbeat. 

We lay there for about an hour, eyes closed, breathing slowly and remembering.


	12. July 9, Continued

July 9, Continued

"Do you remember the first time we became Animagi?" asked Sirius, running one finger over my lips.

I did.

I'd been in the library one Friday in the winter of my fifth year, studying for exams and avoiding Amoria Wist, my girlfriend at the time. "Really, I've got to study," I'd told her a few minutes before, when she'd found me sitting at one of the back tables and begged me to go into Hogsmeade with her.

"All right, fine, study," she'd said sulkily, and stormed off. 

I did have to study, though, because that night was the night of the full moon and by the time the moon had waned again, I had my first exam. Wishing I was anywhere but the library (except out with Amoria), I turned a page and began to read once more about the legal use of Silencing Charms.

"Remus," came a whisper from behind me. I turned around. No one was there.

_I'm just wishing someone was there,_ I thought to myself, and began to read again.

"Reeeeeeemussssss…"

"All right, who is it? Sirius? James?" I asked, swiveling around in my chair

"I am the ghooooooost of a stuuuuudent who died from too much stuuuuuudying…"

"That's very cute, Sirius or James. If you aren't going to come out and talk to me like a normal person, I'm going back to work."

"Noooooo you areeeeeen't…"

"Yes I am," I said, smiling, and turned back around.

A second later, a pair of cold hands encircled my neck. I screamed. Turning around, I was met with the sight of Sirius, grinning madly.

Madam Pince stuck her head out from behind a shelf. "Black, Lupin, if you aren't going to behave yourselves…"

"It's not his fault, Madam Pince, it's mine," said Sirius quickly. "Trust me, Remus is the model student. He would never _dream_ of – "

"Fine. Just keep it down or I'll be taking points from Gryffindor." Her head vanished.

"You git," I said, smiling, unable to stay mad at him for very long.

"Yes, but I'm a _charming_ git," he said, flashing that infamous smile.

_Yes you are, damn you,_ I thought.

"Come on, Remus," he said, "pack up your things. We've got a surprise for you."

"Can't it wait until after the full moon?" I whispered. "I've got a lot of studying left to do."

"I know you do, but it can't. Come on, we haven't got that much time."

He helped me get all my books together and then we left the library, walking up towards the Gryffindor tower.

"This _is_ a better surprise than the time you enchanted my bookbag to scream every time it was opened, isn't it?" 

"Trust me, it is. And that wasn't me, it was James."

"With your help!"

"With my _minimal_ help," he admitted. "But this is a good surprise. A very good one."

The common room was empty except for James and Peter sitting at our regular table. Peter was engraving, "Lucius Malfoy waxes his eyebrows" on the top of the table, and James was checking his watch when we came in. "Good, you're here on time," he said. "Now, Remus, we're going to blindfold you." I took a step back. "Don't _worry_, Remus! Come on, we're your friends. What do you think we're going to _do_?"

"All right, but just let me warn you, I've only got about an hour before the full moon."

"We know," said Peter. "Don't worry about it." He took out a tie from his pocket and proceeded to bind it around my eyes.

"We're putting the Invisibility Cloak over all of us now," said James, and I felt a silky material touch my head. "Sirius is going to hold your hand so you won't fall or bump into anything."

Suddenly, warm fingers slid between mine. My heart jumped. It was moments like these that made me wonder just how much longer I could safely hide my feelings for him. Something told me it wasn't going to be too much longer.

"This isn't anyplace dangerous, is it?" I asked as Sirius led me to the portrait hole.

"Yes it is, Moony, we're taking you to the Chamber of Secrets," said James, and I could just imagine him rolling his eyes.

With Sirius's hand firmly entwined with mine, we made our way out of the common room and down the steps. After we reached the bottom and took a few turns, I wasn't sure where we were anymore. "For all the anxiety I'm going through, this had better be a good surprise," I said. Sirius's hand sqeezed mine.

Soon, we were outside. "You're bringing me outside without a coat?"

"Don't we such a worrier, Remus, we haven't got far to go," said James. "Besides, neither of us have any coats either." I heard a distinct chattering of teeth from behind me. "Oh, come on, Peter, it's not that bad."

"Okay, Peter, go and do it," said Sirius. I felt a blast of wind as the back of the cloak was lifted up. "We're going down stairs now," said Sirius a minute later. "Mind your head."

The wind was gone but the temperature was not much warmer. Finally we reached the last step and I was directed to a chair. I heard the flick of a match being lit and the sounds of logs being put down upon a stone floor. Someone took off the cloak.

"Okay, Sirius, I think we can take off the blindfold now," said James. Sirius's fingers fumbled with the knot and the tie was slipped off. Once my eyes adjusted, I realized we were in the Shrieking Shack.

"Hey, how did you three get in here!" I exclaimed. "The willow should have mauled us all."

"You'll find out in a minute," said Peter. He was sitting between James and Sirius on the couch, which had a few bites taken out of it. "So, James, do you want to go first?"

"Sure," said James, getting up off the couch. He walked over to the bare middle of the room and stood there. Sirius cleared his throat.

"Presenting…Prongs!"

In a split second, a stag stood in James's place. I blinked. "Oh my God," I said, "don't tell me that you…"  
"Wormtail!" interrupted Sirius. A rat joined the stag. "And Padfoot!" He turned into a large black dog and jumped off the couch, standing next to the others.

That's when I fainted.

~~*~~

"It was just like in the Muggle films," was the next thing I heard, from Peter, as I came to. "Except no one yelled, 'Catch him!' or anything like that."

"Of course they didn't, you prat," said Sirius. "D'you think we _knew_ he was going to faint?"

I sat up. Sirius and Peter were kneeling next to the couch that I was lying on, with James standing behind them. All three were human again.

"You became Animagi," I said weakly.

"Yep," said Sirius, grinning. "Now, was that a bad surprise?"

~~*~~

Just as I reached that point in my recollections, I heard the door of the dormitory creak. Sirius and I sat up and looked at the door.

Standing in the doorframe was Severus Snape, greasy as ever. On his face was a look between horror and revulsion.

"Lupin. Black. I was sent up here by Dumbledore, who wanted to know if you two would like to have lunch with him in his study," he said, his voice about twenty degrees below zero. "However, I was not aware that I would be interrupting a romantic interlude – "

Without a word, Sirius rose from the bed and strode over to where Snape was standing. "And would you have a problem with that?" he asked, his voice as quiet as death.

"Would I have a problem with two men engaging in perversions on school property? Well, let me think…"

Before I knew what was happening, Sirius had pinned Snape against the wall. Snape let out a choked gasp.

"Sirius!" I exclaimed. "He's on our side, you can't hurt him."

"No one who insults what we have together is on our side, Remus," said Sirius, his eyes not leaving Snape. "Especially not disgusting, Death-Eating – "

Snape lunged, knocking Sirius onto Dean Thomas's bed. His hands grasped his throat. 

"Severus, get off him!" I screamed, pulling Snape off of Sirius with all my might. I finally managed to pull him away, but it was hard to restrain him. He escaped from my grasp and lunged at Sirius again.

"Why, Professor Snape!"

All three of us looked up. Moaning Myrtle was hovering in the doorway.

"Really, Professor, try to keep your desires in check until you're in a more private place, would you? Other people's dormitories are hardly the place to indulge you lusts."

"I," said Snape, still gasping for breath, "was _trying_ to – "

"Oh, it's all right, I understand, you don't have to explain. It _is_ hard for many people to control themselves around Sirius. Now, I think Professor Dumbledore is expecting you downstairs."

"Yes, Severus, I expect he is," I said. "Perhaps you'd like to wash your hair before lunch…unless, of course, you're saving all that grease for lubricant."

Snape looked at us as if he didn't know which one to kill first. Then, without saying a word, he turned and left.

Myrtle, Sirius, and I looked at each other for a few minutes. Then we began to scream with laughter.

"Myrtle, we owe you one," I said when I was finally able to speak again. "That was bloody brilliant." Myrtle folded her arms across her chest, looking very satisfied with herself.

"You were brilliant too, darling," said Sirius, sliding his arms around my waist. "Saving the grease for lubricant…"

And all three of collapsed on the bed, laughing until our eyes spilled tears.


	13. July 10

July 10

"I was proud of you, love," I said as Sirius was making tea this morning.

"And why is that?"

"Because you didn't lie to Snape about us."

"I _told_ you I wasn't going to lie anymore, didn't I?"

"Yes, but saying something and actually doing it are two different things."

"I see what you mean," he said, pouring himself a cup of tea and taking a sip. "You know," he said, a few minutes later, "Myrtle really surprised me."

"I think she might have surprised herself," I said.

We sipped in silence for a while, and I thought. Neither of us had known that Myrtle had any sense of humor, that she'd had potential to be more then a sobbing spectre. Who knows what else she could have been? But Voldemort had killed her, ruined her chances to be all that she could have been. 

"Do you think James and Lily would have had any more kids?" Sirius asked suddenly.

"I think so."

"I bet you would have been the godfather for the next one, had there been one."

"Maybe."

"No, you would have been. They loved you, Remus."

But we would never know, just like we would never know what might have happened to Myrtle or Cedric Diggory or all of the others Voldemort had killed.

~~*~~

When I arrived home from work, Sirius was lying on the couch with one hand over his eyes. "Are you awake?" I asked.

"Yes."

I sat down next to him and gently lifted the hand off his eyes. "What's the matter, Sirius?"

"I went back to bed after you left for work," he said, his voice strangely choked-sounding. "And I had a dream…a dream that you were dead and I was alone…" He suddenly flung his arms around me and sobbed into my chest. "Remus, don't ever leave me…"

I stroked his hair. "Hey, hey, it's all right, I'm here," I whispered. "I'm not leaving you."

He looked up at me and I lightly brushed the tears from his face. "Dreams can be pretty realistic sometimes, can't they."

"Yeah." He sat up some more and brushed his hair back. "It just seemed so real that even after I knew it was only a dream it still upset me."

"I've had some dreams like that too," I said, remembering the one I'd had right after I started teaching at Hogwarts. In that dream, I forgot to take the Wolfsbane Potion and slaughtered half the school.

I suddenly realized there was light, airy music coming from the corner. "Oh, I turned on the wireless," said Sirius once he noticed me looking at it. "Thought it might calm me down."

I stood up and held out my hand to him. "Dance with me."

His hand enclosed around mine and he rose from the couch. We walked over to an open area of the floor and he wrapped one arm around my waist and held me close.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear as we swayed to the music.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me," I answered. 

THE END


End file.
